The six phases of a project:
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Six phases of a project
Customer Journey
An old lady walked into the bank, handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”.
The teller told her “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM”.
The old lady wanted to know why… The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “Please help me withdraw all the money I have”. The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “You have £1,300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The teller kindly handed £3000 to her with a polite smile.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2,990 back into her account.
Project Managers should never underestimate how users of the services we implement are wedded to familiar ways and see change as an inconvenience to be circumvented rather than an improvement. A poorly sited path which gets ignored in favour of walking a more direct across a grass lawn would be another simple example. Trialling a service or process with real users prior to implementation, the use of prototypes and encouraging opportunities for fast feedback (all part of an Agile mindset) will prevent many of these ‘own goals’.
Another late night
The lights were still on in the project office as another deadline loomed and the project manager was pulling yet another late shift.
A man walks into the office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The project manager replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist.”
The man replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The project manager says, “Well then, what are you doing here?”
The man says, “Your light was on.”
Heaven and Hell
Tragically the old project manager succumbed to years of battling difficult stakeholders and uncooperative resources.
As his soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter himself was on hand to greet him.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, as with everyone, we’d like to give you the opportunity to experience both Heaven and Hell so what we’re going to do is let you have a day in each before you decide where you wish to spend eternity.”
“Fair enough, although I’m sure I want to be in Heaven”, said the project manager.
“But you’ve never been to Hell so how would you possibly know?” And with that the project manager found himself on an express elevator to Hell.
As the doors opened he found himself stepping onto a beach of fine white sand, with deep blue water lapping at his feet and a bar with a gorgeous waiter serving refreshing cocktails.
Just beyond that he could see a luxury hotel and friendly faces welcoming him, many of them people he knew from his life as a project manager. They sat around, reminisced, laughed, swam and then as the bright golden sun disappeared below the horizon they all went into the hotel for an amazing meal.
The PM even met Satan who was also very friendly, and not at all like the evil devil he had been led to believe he was. The evening was fabulous with more drink, jokes and dancing.
Heaven or Hell?
The PM had a wonderful time in Hell but all too quickly his visit came to an end and he was put in the elevator to sample Heaven. When he arrived back in Heaven St. Peter was once again there to greet him.
“OK, so now it’s time to spend 24 hours in Heaven” he said. The PM took his place amongst the clouds. Everyone was sitting around, chatting quietly, playing lutes and harps, and everything was terribly nice. People were pleasant but it was nothing like as much fun as Hell.
In fact, the 24 hours seemed interminable but eventually it all came to an end and St. Peter came see him.
“So,” he said, “you’ve experienced Heaven and Hell – where would you like to spend the rest of eternity?”
“Well, everyone and everything is very pleasant here in Heaven but it’s a lot more lively down below and I think I’m better suited to spending the rest of eternity in Hell.”
St. Peter nodded and escorted him back to the elevator which took him back down to Hell.
But when he arrived it was very different from the day before.
He found himself standing in a hot, dry, putrid smelling wilderness and as for the unspeakable things that were being done to his friends…
Satan approached the project manager and welcomed him to spending eternity in Hell.
“I don’t understand,” said the PM.
“When I came yesterday it was fabulous food and drink, beautiful sun drenched sandy beaches, clear blue seas and people having a good time. Now all I can see is a wasteland with starving people having very unpleasant things done to them.”
The Devil looked at him and smiled, “that’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but now you’re on the project team.”
Thrown to the dogs
A King had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any project manager that failed to deliver.
A project manager once gave a forecast project completion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all, so he ordered that the project manager be thrown to the dogs.
The project manager said, “I served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”
The King was unrelenting.
The project manager pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The King reluctantly agreed.
The project manager went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days. The Guard agreed and the project manager started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them and providing comforts for them.
When the 10 days were up, the King ordered that the project manager be thrown to the dogs. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned project manager and licking his feet.
The King was baffled at what he saw, “What’s happened to the dogs?”
The project manager then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake.”
The King realizing his mistake replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
The project management takeaway from this tale is – you are only as good as your last project!